Proof positive

Just heard that Ann Coulter has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone in her system...and a total absence of decency in her soul. She'll be suspended for about 2 days before the desperate media ratings-seekers trot her out again and encourage her to make more hateful, divisive, inflammatory comments based on delusions.

Trite but right

I've always hated that old saying about the pot calling the kettle black. Just always sounded like a phrase concocted by a city slickster posing as a country rube.

Nonetheless, when I read this piece where Rove decries the alleged cynacism of journalists in American politics, the pot and the kettle were the second two objects to cross my mind, right after a mallot and a wooden stake.

If you know where Rove's coffin is hidden, please forward me the information. Do not approach him alone, and never make direct eye contact, lest he turn you into a ferral sheep like Sean Hannity.

Fecally yours

Yeah, so "fecally" isn't a word. You really should use "feculently," unless you are in company where good old "shitty" is appropriate. "Poopy" also works, but just sounds so damn fatuous.

Anyway, in the name of trying to get "fecally" accepted into the lexicon, check out this totally fecally site.

Please give me a high score...I'm sure you'll recognize my effort. It's the big, fecally one.

Venus

I can’t believe how often NFL players are brought up on charges of “domestic violence.” What a bunch of shit. There has to be a more serious charge.

They weigh 300 pounds, bench press 550, run 40 yards in under five seconds, and consume steroids and human growth hormones like I drink water.

If those guys are coming after you, then the only charges are either “homicide” or “attempted homicide.” And I can’t really imagine one of their attempts failing, unless they regain control of the roid rage at the last second.

Seriously, these guys could rip my arms off and beat me with them before they broke a sweat.

If that isn’t at least manslaughter, I don’t know what is.

Dumb man talking

It's not that I want to see all ignorant, mis-informed morons shipped out of the country. I simply don't want them in CHARGE of the country.

Case in point...

I won't be so cynical as to suggest that he's a corporate shill who is intentionally lying. That would just make my blood pressure go too high, and I can't prove it anyway. So we'll just assume he's a dumb man talking. Fecally, at that.

Feculent mouth

More proof that politicians are out of touch with mainstream Americans. Forget the war, forget immigration, drop Social Security.

We need to focus on people who fake washing their hands after using the can.

Vox populi! Instead of monitoring our phone calls and emails, maybe Bush can start placing security cams in bathrooms. He can become the president who fought back against Rubella and other fecally-transmitted diseases.

P.S.: I'm not going to spell check this, because I really want to believe that "fecally" is a word.

Could?

To me, the most impressive and lamentable cause of recent Repub dominance in the U.S. is the way that conservatives who normally wouldn't speak in the street have united under General Rove's iron fist. Is the honeymoon finally over? Check out this clip, and be ready to hold your ears.

The Fred Phelps fringe bastards are clearly some of the most deranged and nefarious people in the country right now. Yet, Repubs never catch any flak for them. Progressives and liberals are frequently assailed by the right over the isolated actions of destructive animal rights activists and other nutjobs.

But if it's fair to attack the left for PETA, then I want to start seeing Bush linked to madmen on the right like Phelps.

Let's see if we can get some footage of Bush massaging the shoulders of old Fred (and maybe doing a little reach-around; you've gotta suspect that Fred swings that way).

But seriously, is there that much of a difference between the views of Phelps and Bush-buddy James Dobson? I think not. The main difference seems to be that Dobson is not protesting the funerals of U.S. soldiers, which would clearly conflict with Bush's pro-military facade. But in terms of beliefs, is Fred saying anything that James doesn't agree with?

You're right; who cares? Let the nutjobs argue amongst themselves. Nevermind.

Better study

So a slew of conservative pundits see the writing on the wall; they see the frustration and determination among reasonable people on the left AND in the center, and they are watching it coalesce in the Lieberman-LaMont contest.

And their reaction is predictable: slander the LaMont supporters as far-left moonbats and chastise them for not appreciating a great man like Joe Lieberman.

If Lieberman were running unopposed, do you think these conservatives would be singing paeans to him? Hell no.

Their motivation here is insidious as usual.

Sure, they think Joe is alright since he supports their president and rolls over on command, even attacking his own party when instructed by Rove to do so. (Where was this ferocity during the 2000 election when he was debating Cheney?@!?)

But the real goal of these conservative hacks is the derailing of a strong movement from the left and center to reclaim the country from the criminals and dolts who have led it into its current slum.

If they can portray LaMont supporters (i.e., people who want a positive change in direction) as crazy, then in the fall they’ll be able to castigate ALL Democrat supporters as crazy. It’s disingenuous, it’s hypocritical, and it’s absolutely typical.

So for you future journalists out there, remember these rules:

When conservatives get together in hordes to push for change, they are people of conviction (think Terry Schiavo), even if what they are trying to achieve is utterly illegal under the founding document of the country…that would be the Constitution, for those Republicans reading this.

But when anyone else in the country organizes to push for change, they are moonbats (think Cindy Sheehan, LaMont supporters, war protesters, bloggers, and anyone else who dares so much as to publicly question the Bush).

Quiz next Thursday. Better study.

Turn up the Volume!

Hey guys,
If you’re like me, you’re tired of your woman saying, “You call that ejaculate? I wanted a drink, not a shot.”

It’s a lot of pressure. As a man, we’re expected to leave them looking like they just poured a dozen egg whites over their face. But sometimes it’s all we can do to make it appear that they drooled a bit in their sleep.

What can be done?

Now, I get a lot of spam concerning myriad pills and concoctions that will increase your volume (in a healthy, natural way, of course. I mean, what could be more natural that ejaculating a pint of semen?).

But after trying all of these nostrums (which oddly led to a lot of hair growth on the bottom of my tongue), I’ve realized that the problem isn’t dietary; it’s that we’re using the wrong technique.

That’s right. You don’t need a pill to hose her down; you just need better technique.

You see, most of us simply ejaculate at the wrong time. Admit it: you usually wait until the end of a sexual encounter to give her what she wants. But the timing is terrible because your penis is turgid and erect, and it’s hard to generate a lot of volume.

Instead, hold off for a period when you have not been having sex.

Here’s what I like to do: I drink a whole pot of coffee and about a two liters of water.

Then, about an hour later, while my penis is flaccid, not engorged, I yell, “Honey, I’m ready to ejaculate!” Then, when she comes running in and dives to her knees, I’m ready to really unload.

Forget Peter North. My technique will allow you to produce almost half a gallon in one session. Sure, the consistency is a bit off, but your awesome volume will help her overlook this.

Feel free to pass this on to your friends and save them the money of all those crazy pills. This solution really works.

And you know it’s true, because you just read it on the Internet.

Projectile mania

Who are the craziest, most culturally destructive people in America? You'd have to consider NRA members as prime candidates.

Interesting juxtaposition of stories recently. Last month in Kentucky, a 3-year-old girl was shot in the face by a 2-year-old boy. How does a 2-year-old get their hands on a loaded handgun? What's more, why wasn't there a safety on the gun?

Interestingly enough, Congress recently considered the matter of mandatory gun child safety locks.

You know what happened. Our lobby-owned Congress totally caved and defeated the bill.

No registration, no background checks, no safety locks...is there no end to their depravity? All I want are (1) guns with safety features (2) guns that are inaccessible to criminals. How do these reasonable, common-sense requests seem so outrageous to NRA maniacs?

Oh yeah, that's right...because they are some of the craziest, most culturally destructive people in America.

Rubber bands aren't enough

Lieberman's sagging poll numbers strike me as a good omen. His demise can be traced to a grass roots movement of liberal leaning Dems who want change in their party. But the fact that these liberal Dems have been enjoying exponentially increasing success tells me that there are more people reading the news and really paying attention to politics. I find that exciting.

This overthrow of Joe is truly an amazing phenomenon that demonstrates the rising frustrations of many Americans with the Bush administration. I think that Dems everywhere are chomping at the bit to challenge Repubs and topple this terrible administration, and Lieberman is paying the price because he's the only battle that Dems can fight until November.

For the record, I can respect that Lieberman is often conservative and that he supported the Iraq war. But I wish he would simply say, "Agree or disagree, I have to do what I think is right, and I think that invading Iraq was right." Fine. I strongly disagree and think that you are overlooking some important facts, but sure.

But Joe doesn’t stop there. Instead, he provides cover for Bush. When the White House is feeling the heat, they call up good old Joe and he voices his support. When the Senate Dems bring up a measure to get our troops out of this pointless fiasco, Lieberman LEADS the Repubs in disparaging the measure and arguing for endless continued occupation.

Joe, if you have to vote your conscience and break ranks with your party now and then, do it. I respect that. But for crying out loud, DON’T HELP THE OTHER TEAM. Stop providing quotes that belittle your fellow Dems, since you have to know that the media LOVES those internecine shots and will put them in large pull quotes to make the Dems look divided, and thus, weak.

That’s why I want Ned to beat Joe. Lieberman has let down liberals many times. That’s not a surprise. But now that he has turned on the Dem party, his behavior is completely unacceptable.

Even if Joe started wearing rubber bands on his face like Captain Lou Albano, I’d root against him. And that’s saying something.

Rove Wins Again

Just because I want him to suffer in hell for all eternity for his profligate disregard of truth, unity, and transparency, doesn’t mean that I won’t admit when he’s worked his nefarious magic again.

Remember this: every news story that is NOT about the abysmal conflict in Iraq, NOT about more U.S. troops dying for no reason and with absolutely no end in sight, and NOT about Bush’s utter incompetence is a total victory for Rove.

As Frank Rich aptly pointed out this weekend, the frenzy over the NYT was a manufactured outrage. It was a calculated move by a White House desperate to save its capsizing poll numbers and rally support of its dim-witted, short-tempered, sanctimonious base.

Make no mistake: if the Dems take the house, subpoenas will be issued, investigations will be launched, and the nebulous atrocities of this administration that we only half suspect will come out in their full, Nixonian glory.

Thus, these are dire times for Repubs. Then WANT you to stop talking about Iraq. They WANT you mad at someone other than the president. They WANT to rally the base that has steadily deflated and defected since the 2004 election.

DON’T LET IT WORK!

Over here, Purple is rallying people to wake up and resist. I often like to think of myself as the choir to which he is preaching, but I totally fell for this one. There I was last week defending the NYT, as if THAT’S what I should have been talking about. No, I wasn't awake.

It was a manufactured story that captured the nation, rallied the nutwing base, and obstructed all talk of serious issues like the supreme and ongoing mis-steps of this pernicious administration.

When Rove chuckles, he’s earned it. That heartless bastard.

(More about getting your own nutwing base here.)