Blogger qua advice columnist

I get some pretty weird emails. Normally I don’t respond to them publicly, but this one seems to warrant it.

Hey JCJenny,
Thanks for your email. Let me begin my asserting that I am not a certified therapist of any sort, nor am I qualified to assist with psychological or medical issues. But since you asked…

Ultimately, my answer is “No” to all of your questions:

-No, I am not familiar with the last two objects you mentioned, but I do not think that you should be inserting any of them into your husband’s rectum.

-No, I would not call these behaviors “normal.” Your email made me cringe.

-No, I am not familiar with the muscle you’re talking about, nor can I point to it on my body. Wherever it is, I recommend you leave your husband’s alone.

-No, I don’t think Freon will help.

-No, that is not my understanding of how the alimentary canal works.

-No, I have never looked at a stapler and had that thought.

-No, I did not open your digital photos, nor do I intend to.

-No, your husband is not wrong for seeking legal council. I suggest you do the same.

Best of luck with that. I feel icky.